A new concept for this blog (stolen directly from the A.V. Club's dearly departed "This Was Pop" column), I'm going to listen to the top 10 songs on iTunes (as of 11 A.M. on July 1st in the Canadian store) and grade them on a scale of 1-10.
#10: Burnin' Up by The Jonas Brothers
The Jonas Brothers are, if you haven't heard of them, which you most likely have, are Disney's newest band/marketing construct to be pushed onto a receptive public in the wake of the success story of Hanna Montana. They're pretty much pre-ordained to be the biggest thing in music this year and I can see why: the band is composed of teenage-heartthrob guys who appear as charmingly nice doofs in their music videos and public appearances, star in Disney Channel original movies and play low-impact, easily digestible guitar pop. However, the fact that they're going to sell big doesn't necessarily mean that they're good, as evidenced by this single off of their new album, which is coming out sometime in July. The best thing about the song is the 20 second skit at the beginning of its music video ("She was looking at me," "No, she wasn't"), otherwise, I don't get it. The singer, whichever one of the brothers he is, sort of bleats generic unrequited love talk in a nasal, semi-emo tone while the track's drums tick mechanically behind him, there's not even a good harmony bit (which I would kinda expect from a group like this) to lighten the load; the backup vocals just add to the annoyance by swooping around the lead with no sense of timing. Furthermore, the song has these bizarre bits of new-wave in it, such as the synth-blurts in the chorus and the mid-song drum machine breakdown, which seemingly exist only to make it more fluffy and pop. The only thing I like about this is the somewhat crunchy stop-start guitars, but those don't make up for the track's other problems, not even a bit. 3/10
#9: Never Too Late by Hedley
This thing lost points with me immediately by having the same title as a terrible Three Days Grace grunge-ballad that was sorta big last year and, although I'm happy to report that this song is better than that piece of crap, this song isn't that great either. I give Hedley credit for switching up their risible faux-punk for this track, which works a pretty-good lite-reggae groove, with some nicely sliding guitars in the background for texture, but that goodwill is almost immediately erased by singer Jacob Hoggard's whining vocals, which scrape all over the track, doing it no favours. If Hoggard would tone down the histrionics and the band would beef up the backbeat a little (the rhythm section sounds too distant here) this could be a decent white-boy reggae jam (like a lesser Sublime) but as it stands, it's just the least-terrible of Hedley's terrible singles. 5/10
#8: When I Grow Up by The Pussycat Dolls
Alright, here we go with the true pain; I guess it was inevitable that the Dolls and Rodney Jerkins would end up working together as Jerkins was primarily responsible for producing the first wave of sexbot-pop that the Dolls have updated for a new audience. The song is, of course, terrible; a mess of dreaming-to-be-famous cliches sung in auto-tuned-to-hell vocals by the one member of the group who sings with annoying backup "ha, ha"s from the rest. This might play okay in a club, it has Jerkins' standard-issue candy-strobe sythns and mechanized hand claps going on, but it feels too tight and mechanical to allow for a good dance experience. The only thing that's somewhat defensible about the song is that it samples the, totally awesome, descending riff from the Yardbirds' "He's Always There" for its backbeat thrust but there's so much distracting crap thrown on top of that riff that it only functions to remind me that I should listen to the Yarbirds more. So, thank you, Pussycat Dolls, for that, but not for another godawful song. 2/10
#7: Dangerous by Kardinal Offishall feat. Akon
The last time I thought about Kardinal Offishall it was because he was a nobody Canadian rapper who made an appearance as a judge on Much Music's Video On Trial (he yelled "slosh" a lot and was pretty funny). A couple years and an Akon cameo later he's on the iTunes top ten; pretty crazy. Of course, Akon rules pop radio nowadays and hopping on a song with him is the closest thing to guaranteeing yourself a hit that exists. Here, Akon sings about scoping a hot bad girl in the club on the song's chorus and Offishall follows suit by rapping about the same in his verses. It's pretty generic stuff, and the beat is a bit too spartan (all digital high-hats and tinny horn blasts) for my taste, but Offishall has fun with it, rapping in a sorta-Jamaican tone and bending his words all over the place. And how can I really hate a Canadian boy making it to star status? 6.5/10
#6: Take A Bow by Rihanna
The first of this moth's two charting Rihanna songs "Take A Bow", a pretty hard-nosed piece of breakup talk, is the better of them, mostly by virtue of its production. Stargate, who are responsible for production on hits for people like Ne-Yo and Beyonce, work their usual thing here with some nicely crunching electronic drums offsetting the song's stately strings-and-piano construction. Meanwhile, Rihanna shrugs out the song's words, about not wanting to hear an ex-boyfriend's excuses, with a coldly precise tone that only serves to enhance the overall effect. The song could be a bit more lively, I suppose, but it's a well-constructed pop-ballad that moves enough to not be boring and has lyrics that aren't embarrassing, which is more than I can say for a lot of these songs. 7/10
#5: Bleeding Love by Leona Lewis
Leona Lewis is a deeply confusing pop culture figure, to me at least. She won a British talent-show thing called X-Factor and was quickly snatched up by Sony Records who, with one of the most excessive promotional roll outs I have ever seen (a whole Oprah show, for instance), managed to push her album to #1 status and build Lewis up as a sort of neo-Mariah Carey pop-balladeer. All this would lead you to believe that she's some kind of diva type but if you've ever read anything about here (which I have because it was contained in an issue of Rolling Stone) you'd find out that she's a vegetarian who won't wear anything made of leather or fur and that she's something of a nerd who likes sci-fi shows and video games; very strange indeed. All that aside, I like "Bleeding Love" okay (despite the fact that the lyrical sentiment is confusing and gross: "you cut me open and I keep bleeding love", what?); it's got a good tune, a nice, big and hammy, chorus, some interesting production tricks (I especially dig the cooling synth surges and woodblock clinks that are buried in the mix) and Lewis showing off her vocal prowess in ways that don't totally overwhelm the song. I'm not sure if I can endorse a song written by (yikes!) Jeese McCartney and Ryan Tedder, of OneRepublic fame, but they've managed to write a pretty good one and, perhaps more importantly, find the right person to sing it. Then again, I might just like this because Lewis said she liked Resident Evil 4 in that interview I read, so, judge for yourself. 7.5/10
#4: Shake It by Metro Station
Well, here's our second Hanna Montana connection on the chart; Metro Station's lead singer just happens to be Miley Cyrus' older brother, which made me dread listening to this song, especially after the disaster that was the Jonas Brothers' tune. Surprisingly, then, "Shake It" won me over quite handily and partially because it succeeds where the Jonases fail. Where "Burnin' Up" had clumsily-grafted pieces of new-wave in it, "Shake It" is pretty-much a new-wave dance-pop number (albeit with some slightly choked emo vocals) with cleanly spiking guitars, warm synth bubbles and mechanistically ticking (likely electronic) drums. Where the Brothers sang utterly unconvincing unrequited love stuff, Metro Station turn in a surprisingly dirty teen romance number that is endearing, rather than groan-inducing, in its awkwardness. "Shake It" might represent the fullest integration of new-wave into emo since "Here (In Your Arms)" by Hellogoodbye and it's a trend that I hope continues given that it's given us two pretty-great singles so far. There are a few things in the track I could do without (the chorus feels a bit too exuberant for the restrained thump of the verses, the guitars could be a bit more fully-involved with the melody lines) but this thing is probably more likely to inspire shy, Cardigan-clad wallflowers to dance at school functions than any other song I can think of, and who could object to that? 8/10
#3: Just Dance by Lady GaGa feat. Colby O'Donis
Apparently this song was featured on "So You Think You Can Dance" a couple of weeks ago, which explains its rapid ascendancy of the charts, and that makes a lot of sense to me, the song is definitely both made for and about dancing; it's total club-thumper, all pulsing drums and wormy synths, that, like most of this stuff, would probably sound great over a large speaker-system but don't really work on headphones while staring at a computer. Meanwhile, Lady GaGa, whoever she is, sings about losing her phone and not remembering what club she's in (drunk?) in a tone that aspires to disco diva status but doesn't get there, most likely because she doesn't have the range for it. I'm not really sure how to rate this one, given that I'm definitely not in the right context for it, but people on iTunes are, presumably, downloading this for listening over their headphones as well; in that case: 5.5/10
#2: Disturbia by Rihanna
First off; even if you dated Shia Labeouf do not, under any circumstances, name one of your songs after a crappy movie he starred in, okay? Anyway, "Disturbia" is the weaker of the two Rihanna singles on the chart this month and, as with "Take A Bow", it's mostly down to a matter of production. Rihanna's best singles ("Don't Stop The Music" and "Umbrella", for my money) have been songs that are almost entirely optimistic and uplifting in nature but "Disturbia" decides to totally ignore this fact entire with a cold, twitchy beat and nigh-impenitrabloe lyrics about paranoia; it's just bizarre. Furthermore, this track marks the first time, I think, that Rihanna has used a robot-filter, auto-tune thing on her voice and, aside from the fact that it's a totally obvious and played-out T-Pain move, it doesn't work at all, with both her vocal characteristics and the song itself. Still, the beat moves enough that it will likely work just fine in a club and the chorus is satisfyingly hooky but this just feels like playing against one's strengths in the dumbest way possible. 5/10
#1: I Kissed A Girl by Katy Perry
I have to sort of respect the blatant pandering going on here, from the big, stupid synth and drum stomps to the strident, shouty grrl-power vocals to the bi-curious content, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Firstly, let me say that I can't believe that this song has whipped up as much controversy as it has; c'mon people (aside from the fact that the song was likely released as a single specifically to court that sort of response), I thought that we were, as a society, past that sort of knee-jerk homophobia. Furthermore, the song isn't even about being a lesbian or bi-sexual, it's about making out with some chick in a club and in that light the controversy just seems that much more dumb (setting aside the fact that this means that the people protesting likely haven't even listened to the song). Then again, I listen to Sleater-Kinney and riot-grrl punk so I'm probably not the best person to judge the reactions of most people to a song like this. As for the song itself, I dig the squared-off drum stomp (which reminds me a lot of Gary Glitter's "Rock & Roll, Pt.2") and the titantic synth riffs but Perry's voice grates on me as she seemingly does all she can to fight the track's melody with a strident, howling vocal tone in an attempt to make the words of the song sound less stupid (they don't). Overall, as much as I dig the fact that this song pisses certain people off, the song is probably only viable as a way to get chicks to make out with each other at parties but alcohol also does that and it would probably be less damaging to your brain in the long run. 4/10
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